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Beauty - It's What You Make It

Disclosure: I've started this post a gazillion times in my head recently, but I finally had the nerve to do it... Please pardon this monologue of sorts regarding beauty and self-image. Sorry there's no pretty pictures. xoxo, L
The most beautiful thing a woman can ever wear is confidence.
So very true. Beauty is what you make it. I've run the gamut with changes to my appearance through the years... Multiple hair cuts and a bevy of colors, lots of changes in my weight, experimenting with different makeup styles, a couple small body mods, and developing my sense of fashion and style along the way have all been of aspects of how I've modified my appearance.

I've made the mistake of modifying my appearance to please significant others. I've had varying degrees of short and shorter hair most of my life. As a child I had a blunt cunt bob with bangs across my forehead. I remember for high school my hair was mostly short my freshman through junior year. My senior portrait (taken that summer before my senior year) was gosh awful. The manner in how my hair was cut was a bit horrifying (if you can imagine a bowl cut-pixie hybrid, that closely resembles my 'do). OUCH. After that incident, I promptly started growing my hair out. Part of it was the nagging of my boyfriend and part of it was that I had never had "long hair." I cannot remember the exact timing of when I first dyed my hair, I think I might have experimented with Sun-In first but either way, I had some gosh awful orange hair. By the time of the end of my relationship with him, I had long hair past my shoulders in some sort of brassy blonde shade. I think the breakup with him was the first time I had cut my hair - I vaguely remember going back a fail safe bob a few months post break up. Then I spent most of my 20's rocking some sort of variation of the bob- sometimes longer (a bit past my chin) and sometimes shorter (covering my ears and just barely grazing my jawline). Varying shades of blonde, strawberry blonde, and very light brown existed as my color palette. Right before my 25th birthday, I partially chopped my hair - one side was an extremely angled bob and the other side it was much shorter and tucked behind the ear. Thankfully said boyfriend at the time really didn't care what my hair looked like but oddly enough we parted ways less than a month later and my hair grew back into that fail safe bob.

I often change my hair for two things [a] something happened (life event in some capacity) or [b] boredom. Fast forward to July 2010, I had recently suffered a job loss and was devastated beyond belief. I needed a change, this was a new Lindsay. The salon around the corner needed a haircut model for an edgy, progressive style from someone willing to go short or shorter. It was a sign from the hair deities and snip, snip. Since then, I've had varying degrees of a pixie cut - sometimes the bangs a bit longer or a little longer on the sides but definitely not touching my ears.  I rocked quite a few colors, I went through a dark phase of sorts and rocked dark brown, burgundy, and various shades of dark red. I've had a lot of changes regarding my hair the past few months... After rocking the faux-hawk for quite a bit off and on, I took the gamble and completely mohawked it. Completely exhilarating feeling... Then after letting that grow, I went back to have the sides super short and the top long and no more mohawk "tail." I recently rocked the two-tone look of darker sides (embracing my natural color) and lavender-purple until I decided that blonde was what I needed. Yes, a couple life events (or potential life events) have spurred the change back into the blonde life.

That brings us back around to "beauty is what you make it." In my life, I've been called cute quite a few times and pretty on occasion. Understandable, my looks are a little unconventional to some. My younger sister could be called the fairer of us two, she has perfect cupid bowed lips and sparkly hazel eyes - her bone structure is more defined than mine and gives her a certain Je nais se quoi... She has a classic, timeless beauty. I tend to favor my mother more for my appearance (there's a reason why cloning is illegal... ha) except I think I have a variation of my father's nose (which I think has thinned out the past year or so). Case in point, I've got really short hair that most girls won't rock, I wear glasses, and I've got a pierced nose. I'm to the left of quirky on the looks spectrum. And overall, I'm OK with that. Yes, I rely on some makeup because my lashes are blonde, my dark circles are horrendous, and I have to fill my brows in because I've been plagued with the same "ghost brow" syndrome as mother dearest. I've still yet to understand how I could grow a unibrow if I didn't own tweezers yet the hair doesn't quite grow with the bone structure where my brows should be. Oops. That's the least of my worries, right? I've learned what I do to make myself look presentable and pretty to the public. It still blows me away when someone tells me that I'm beautiful. It's happened to me twice in a week by two separate people. I know it's f**ked up but I don't see it. Perhaps I am beautiful because I'm trying to make my entire life into something amazing? Overall, I'm fairly confident about my life but I do have my self-doubts at times...

I am learning to love my new body... I've had some weight fluctuations before but I think I weigh less than I have in a long time. As I've mentioned before, I've lost at least 30 pounds in the last year. The real truth that comes with weight loss as a woman is that "the girls" would lose some of their "oomph" so to speak and there's that lower belly "pooch" that still lingers after losing some weight. Both of those things can't really be fixed with exercise. My genetics has me pre-determined to a degree to carry some weight in my middle so my lower belly will always have some squish (even when I had gym rat phases, I've never had "abs"). I don't mind being petite but having some curves. I'm still having some dilemmas dressing myself nowadays, a plethora of my clothes don't fit so I'm evaluating what can be could be tailored and what can be tied here, belted there, etc.

I moved to NY to make myself a better person. To be that girl that I always knew was there but I wasn't sure how to be her... And now I'm blossoming into that girl and enjoying this happiness of life. Isn't a beautiful thing, isn't it?
Vita est parum brevis esse nisi laeta.
TRANSLATION: Life is too short to be anything but happy.